Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in darkwinter143's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, June 4th, 2008
2:51 pm	another night spent under a sky riddled with false stars... I may have to start writing down things on paper to try to clear my head of some of my thoughts, and to make sense of others.  Maybe a pocket sized voice recorder could do the job. I am experiencing motion sickness, yet my life is not set in any direction.  I stand stagnant, boots wet in my own burdens.  I spend nights awake, accosted by thought.  I try to drown out or subdue the rampant notions by watching movies, reading a book.  These thoughts, they're things that I would prefer to not have to address right now. ... I feel as if I am going to fail.  Not now, as that would be too predictable for me.  It's off in the distance waiting for me silently.   Maybe, my guilt (if you could call it that) is keeping it company...  I find myself more often than not, day dreaming about my death rather than my life.  It is almost like I feel that life is variable in a math equation; solve for "x".  Current Mood: apathetic (Comment on this)
Monday, April 7th, 2008
1:34 pm	plop... 1 Month down...  Too many more to go... I will probably need anger management after this, and maybe relearn what people skills I did have. Speaking of people skills, I look at my instant messenger list and most of what I see are screen names of people who I used to talk to. I am getting kind of couped up and restless here.  The only personal space i have is a crappy bed and maybe this is a generous estimate a foot of the floor next to one side. I've been putting off on calling my family because the lack of privacy at the phones.  That and the fact that the timezone differences kind of clash with what's going on...  I think the first thing I am going to do as a civilian is go camping, alone... Complete privacy. I want to learn how to fly fish. There's been nights where I lay awake trying to figure out what is in store in my future... I honestly don't see me around in 10 years, in 5 years even.  Though I never did see myself going past 23. I am thinking of grabbing a notebook and noting little things I think of.  Things that I think will make my civilian life, and life in general more simplified for myself. (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 8th, 2008
5:21 pm	Finally Going... It's kinda funny how things work out in the long run... I signed up wanting to go over (to Iraq).  Time passed, my view and opinion on the Army changed and I got close to getting out...  Or so I thought. Korea, which I thought would be/was a bad place to be, turned out to be a pretty good place.  It taught me more than I would have ever been able to learn at Fort Hood.  Things were much more simplistic there.  They also lacked the trademark attitude of this place. I thought that going there was a bad thing for me because I wanted to go.  I was pissed that I got sent to a non-deployable unit.  What I was really pissed about, was that going over to Iraq probably now meant me being in longer than I thought and had signed up for...  Which thanks to my current unit assignment, it does. It'll be longer than I thought, the length of time still yet to be determined.  I should, regardless be out by November 2009, almost a year longer than I should have been. At least I am going... Honestly though, I don't want to go anymore.  The Army squandered what motivation I had.  I just want to get out and start my life.  I am tired of living the Army's life. It's surreal though.  I always wanted to see combat since I was little.  Then it was because it seemed so cool and bad-ass.  As I aged, I still wanted to see it, but for different reasons.  Now because it is controlled-chaos.  It's intense.  In a sense it is climatic. Though I don't see what I originally thought happening in these upcoming months.  This isn't war.  This is n't really combat.  It's a police state, with fire-fights.  What I yearned for was the type of combat seen in World War II, or in Vietnam. (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 2nd, 2008
10:44 pm	... dont know where i was going with this... If an angel were an apple Would you rape him from place Burgle from his person his deital grace Attune them to you chassis Pursuing the sky Current Mood: drained (Comment on this)
Monday, February 25th, 2008
11:10 pm	So yeah, fading from memory... It's seems so "me" at the moment.  Another year totally away... Current Mood: blah (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 17th, 2008
3:06 pm	..heh..? Tick-tock, the clock is nearer to aught. Mind is wracked, rampant with thought... ... the time is drawing close.  it's surreal to think about it.  no one really is acting like we are going to leave.  no change in patterns or habits.  same day to day flow. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 6th, 2008
9:51 pm	Pulling... You give someone a spoon full, they want the bowl; an inch and in return they want a mile. I do not mind helping out.  I go out of my way to most of the time.  It's begins to draw on, never become more dependent, needing more.  Looking towards you when in even the slightest need.   Tell them that they don't really need you at the moment and then they look at you as if you just slapped them.  Shock and awe.  Then proceeds the attempt at an attempted guilt trip. These are the people whom I will be deploying with.  Some I will have to deal with day-to-day.  Other's I will be lucky enough to be spared their ward.   When I tell them flat-out what it is that's their shortcoming, they look betrayed. Some only ask for help, and rarely ever give it.  A couple lack independence in any form now.  Completely hapless as if they were an ill-stricken child. It is wearing on me.  I shouldn't be in a spot to be in charge.  I messed up, and even so, I am more qualified than the others... I am kind of thankful that I am not in a normal "line" platoon.  I have confidence in some, but that number of isn't what it should be...  I got a Sergeant that isn't up to par as far as training goes.  He's willing to learn, but he's about to be promoted.  That will make an even bigger liability.  At least he's willing to learn. Got 2 Specialist, my rank as well, who refuse to accept that they are not as prepared as they think.  One is too rash.  The other lacks confidence and general knowledge.   A PFC that thinks that he can pull one over on many people.  He wants to "shoot shit up" but doesn't want to go to a "line" troop for the fear of being shot or worse. Another Specialist who knows, but he has a bad attitude and sets a poor example.  My attitude isn't the best, but I generally acknowledge when to stop and also, I take charge. And one or two more, but this just illustrates my picture a little bit. ... ... ... i do not know where i am going with this now... Current Mood: blah (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 31st, 2008
8:21 pm	If I could change things, would I? If I cared enough then, would it make a difference now? If I cared enough now, would it make up for then? (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 29th, 2008
7:57 pm	Dreams Sometimes, dream can leave a cut.  They make me miss what I had.  They more recently showed me what could've been, and it made me depressed. It was a blatant shot. It's my fault.  There's no going back... But maybe, I will get a second chance. Maybe. Current Mood: discontent (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 23rd, 2007
1:27 am	I lack an appropriate title for this... I went 20 days without drinking and without caffeine.  That ended last night.  Not a bad run.  I was shooting for 30 days.  But it was a fun night. Had a long week in the field.  It started Monday at about 3am for me, and I was finally able to get out of uniform around 5pm Friday.  It was fun though.  I learned nothing new military wise, but about the people I will be with.  2 need a lot of work.  1 needs a lot more experience. Me and one other were the ones doing the motions correctly.  How can it be that 2 of the most seemingly discontent people in the platoon are the 2 that are the most knowledgeable about their job? I also found that I was more sympathetic towards combat support people who are working with us on things.  I was willing to give them tasks that they can perform and still be functioning among us...  It's not their job to know combat maneuvers.  They only become semi-familiar with them, sometimes at best.  A wedge formation is something that they only do once or twice in training... But I am digressing into a rant... My chain of command seems to lack confidence in their combat Troops.  My platoon sergeant was told to change his attack plan because we weren't supposed to win as OpFor.  We had about 9 shooters, where they had about 90 people.  His plan was superior.  My command at times can really amaze me... I am really starting to rethink my some of my choices.  Some, well one at the very least, is starting to rub me raw mentally.  I just don't think I am able. (Comment on this)
Friday, October 19th, 2007
11:52 am	Ingrown So, I believe I am heading fool-heartedly into an instance of failure.  A moment of lack luster expectations and hopes. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 25th, 2007
9:34 pm	It seems that what it really takes for things to change is for the current trend of dis-pleasurable to go into ridiculously asinine.  Then someone ("higher up") will finally try to change things.  Sadly, the way this unit goes, I may be in Iraq when this happens.  What might bring about this epiphany for them is finally realizing the people they are fucking with and menacing now have real, live bullets to post a counter-statement to their reasoning or the inherent lack of... ---- I dreamed that I was falling and before I actually hit the surface I awoke, sitting up in my bed.  It was an odd feeling for 3 A.M.  I was lying in bed reading a book to awake sitting in my bed...  I think my body and sub-conscious are in cahoots against me... I wouldn't blame them though.  I've messed my self up.  I got a muscle in my left arm that is twitching more than a tweaker.  A knee that isn't as bendable as it was a week ago.  And a shoulder that feels like there is a ball under neath it.  Body doesn't help it much either... Oh well... (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 12th, 2007
8:49 pm	... good to me... I was told that the Army has been good to me.  So, am I to take this verbal suggestion (sic) and be thankful for the benefits that I have so reaped by enlisting? This person followed his statement with examples of why it is so.  Everyone one of his bullet-point list of reasons, I countered with my  own personal experience...  Congrats, the Army has been good to you.  Just accept that it isn't so for a lot of other people. My chain of command failed people again.  It would be an understatement to say they dropped the ball.  They fucked ran from it.  July is supposed to be the month where we can take leave and go home.  All of July is open market, for either 9 or 15 days.  2 1/2 weeks away from July we sit.  The people that wanted to be home for the 4th of July are looking to be neglected.  They haven't did any of the paperwork, and we still need to buy essential things like Plain Tickets. People gripe that it's been since December since they've been home.  I don't want to hear it.  It has been 18 months, so every time it seems like my chance gets pushed back I get offended.  18 months straight with no break from the Army, I think that if I claim insanity I might be able to get away with a lot of things. This unit is poorly managed.  Officers also take precedence over the enlisted.  They also get spoon-fed things, then when people go unaided they think that they have room to talk.  I don't respect a lot of my chain of command.  I don't see me doing so for quite sometime.  I do see me counting my "blessings".  Give Me Conflict, So I Can Fast Forward To The Resolution Current Mood: venting... (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 27th, 2007
12:17 am	Is curiosity enough to put one's morals aside?  Current Mood: content (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, May 18th, 2007
11:47 pm	Soon... Knowing that I am actually 2 months from coming back to Butte, I am forcing myself to not get excited.  When that time finally comes, it will be close to 18 months since I've been there.  So I am trying to not expect what things should be like when I get back. I have mental images of what things were like when I left, and an idea of who people were.  But I know that these are outdated... I have witnessed from the outside some of the changes that people have made.  Just a viewing from afar.  I've been a postcard tourist in people's lives since I left.  I see some pictures and get some printed text.  But they have that same role in my regards.  My intentions are mixed.  Part of me wants to go back looking for conflict, maybe seeking a more direct form of closure.  ... i wished i could form cohesive thoughts and translate them into text... (Comment on this)
Monday, May 14th, 2007
7:27 pm	I don't know, but I haven't been this pissed off in a while.  I just want to start to binge.  (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 10th, 2007
12:03 am	A knock interupted me... It's amazing what one piece of information can do to the mentality of a group of people.  We all knew that we would be deploying sometime after Thanksgiving.  Some held what now amounts to an attempt at a dream bearing a nocturnal emission, only to be left disappointingly dry.  They held to what little hope that Democrats' self-righteous political struggle represents.  Their valiant move to withdraw from Iraq, to support the troops, their families, and the general interest of a nation...  And lastly, to separate themselves from the Bush Administration to hope to win the favor of the American population towards their party, which include a woman, and an Afro-American. It's amazing.  How much has America changed in the recently past decades, or for a little more precise time measurement, presidential terms?  People think that a female and a descendant of a people once enslaved have a chance to actually triumph in a country birthed in Puritan amniotic fluid.  The remaining stains of over-conservatism are still pretty prevalent.  I hope that one of the 2 do succeed.  It will be a turning point for somethings local and a focal change in the tides of American culture. Maybe in the next 30 years, we could get the first openly gay presidential candidate, and seat winner... Anyways backing slowly towards my comment.  We got the word, the official kind, that we will be deploying in December.  In a couple of days, the main topic of discussion and joke is suicide.  We joke about it, the ways to do it, and various what-if situations.  All accompanied by some "unique" ideas and always by laughter.  (-someone knocked on my door and i lost my direction-) (Comment on this)
Monday, May 7th, 2007
9:07 pm	Quick spurt... The last 3 days, I got about an hour a sleep each day.    Day 1 left me spent.  Day 2 had a dream, and the 3rd and final day left a sober feeling. My dream, the 1st in sometime, was of a tree blowing in the wind, accented by amber light from improbable angles.  The leaves rustling in the wind the only sound.  My body was being caressed by the cool calming movement.  Just a tree in the wind. That morning I awoke refreshed and rested. The sober feeling of the last night in the subject matter was most likely due to the fact that we received a pretty official word that we will be deploying in December...  So I finally have a more stable platform from which to look from.  15 months in Iraq.  Means around March of 2009 I will be back, which leads to June being the time I am a civilian again. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 29th, 2007
12:00 pm	So, I think that I found something in the sense of direction.  I do not know where I am going, or how I want to get there, but I got an understanding of the general path. Right now, I feel tired, worn, and beaten.   But minus this  inexplicable migrane, I feel pretty decent.  I went to the gym for the first time in a while with the intent of a light workout.  I guess I just lost sight of that and just kept going.  The end resulted in my tired, soaked, soar, but relaxed.  After each set, my muscles would be shaking, and I would just go again.  This is where I did my best thinking in an undefined period of time. When I finally reached my ideal standing point, I stopped.  I wanted to run, but I don't think that I could've handled it. Walking to my bike, I felt a second wind encompass me.  By the time I hit my room, my muscles were tense, but I was relaxed. ...Though I ventured away from where I was going and lost what I was going to say... I think that I am just going to stand still.  I've tried going with the flow, only to become disappointed.  I've fought the current only to become damaged.  This is the one thing that I have yet to attempt.  Standing still... (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 18th, 2007
9:34 pm	I want one of those stints where I go awake, sleepless for sometime, to the point where I get weird.  Maybe that will snap me out of my current funk. My mind is clouded, I am distant and vacated... I'm feeling damaged. (Comment on this)